


To Feel Once More

by LouRandom



Category: The Avengers (Marvel Movies), Thor (Movies)
Genre: Avengers: Infinity War Part 1 (Movie) Spoilers, Everyone Needs A Hug, Fix-It, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Gen, Grief/Mourning, Loki (Marvel) Needs a Hug, Post-Avengers: Infinity War Part 1 (Movie), Thor (Marvel) Needs a Hug, but fluff fixes everything ofc
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-06-07
Updated: 2018-06-07
Packaged: 2019-05-19 10:44:06
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,876
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14872260
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LouRandom/pseuds/LouRandom
Summary: For what seemed to be the first time in his life, Thor found himself unable to properly feel. His desires and emotions numbed by the crushing loss of his brother, Thor attempts to face a (seemingly) hopeless future





	To Feel Once More

**Author's Note:**

> INFINITY WAR DESTROYED ME
> 
> I JUST COULDN'T AFTER THE FIRST 5 MINUTES OKAY?
> 
> THANKFULLY I'M SLOWLY CRAWLING OUT OF MY GRAVE AND THIS MEANS ONE THING: FIX-IT FICS FOR OUR FAVORITE ASGARDIANS Y'ALL
> 
> Enjoy and don't forget - our savior will return<3

For what seemed to be the first time in his life, Thor found himself unable to properly _feel_.

He retired to the room the Avengers (or what remained of them, anyway) had given him in their new headquarters. It had been a hard day of attempting to mitigate the immediate effects of Thanos' plan. Helicopters and planes crashing. Nuclear power plants exploding. Country leaders missing.

The list went on and on.

One day, in what seemed to be the distant past, Thor might have grieved for humanity's loss. He would have felt the pain as if it were his own. He would have thrown all his anger and indignation at fixing this mess.

What had he said to the rabbit?

_Rage, vengeance, anger._

_All great motivators._

The problem was, those words were a lie.

Of course, Thor wanted to kill Thanos and make him pay for the suffering he'd caused. He wished to bring back all those disintegrated souls and restore balance in the world. He wanted to see his fellow Avengers smiling again, reunited with their loved ones. And yet, those desires turned into something lifelessly mechanic, backed only by one dreadful realization.

_What more could I lose?_

Thor thought about the dead Asgardians. He thought about the trillions destroyed by Thanos all around the universe. He listened to Ant-Man’s theories, who talked endlessly of the quantum world and time-travelling options. Thor listened to Stark, who had miraculously managed to find his way back to Earth, sharing insights of his own. _They_ felt hopeful. Thor, on the other hand, felt numb.

His last words to his brother haunted his nightmares, and since normal dreams were now a thing of the past, Thor lay awake at night, restless, Loki’s death playing over and over again in his mind.

_You really are the worst brother._

_That_ made him feel again. Thor's heart would skip a beat, his chest constricting on a choked sob, his vision blurring with ceaseless tears.

_I assure you, brother, the sun will shine on us again._

_No_ , Thor would think to himself, struggling to calm his breathing, _it won't._

*

Valkyrie had come back with the near-half of the Asgardians, having managed to escape before Thanos and his fleet had descended on the ship. She’d noticed something off with Thor immediately, and tried, with varying success, to cheer Thor up with booze and to get him to let off steam during training, especially once the Hulk finally decided to emerge.

The others had noticed as well, of course, and Thor tried his best to adjust—he really did. He made the usual jokes and offered comfort when needed. He told stories of faraway worlds and ancient battles. It would work one day, and the next, Thor would be found by one of the Avengers staring out the window, overlooking the city with an empty, forlorn look on his face. He was lonely, despite being constantly surrounded by the remaining Avengers. Haunted, despite the progress Tony and Scott were making. Unable to fully experience anything except rushes of adrenaline—and the suffocation of grief.

*

With each passing day, it became more difficult for Thor to keep up the façade and the desire to stop bothering became all the more stronger.

How had he done this before?

In the past, Thor had a father to return to, a mother to comfort him.

Back then Thor had Asgard to serve and to protect, a place he could call home.

Not that long ago, in fact, Thor’s people were a proud race, seemingly indestructible, safely thriving in the confines of the greatest of the Nine Realms.

After Ragnarok, however… barely a fourth of Asgard's people remained, stranded in space and unsure of their future. And in this most difficult and trying time, when he felt the most insecure about himself, Thor had lost the last remaining member of his family.

This time, it seemed, for good.

*

They were discussing quantum portals and temporal dimensions once again. Or was it wormholes? Thor really didn't think it mattered, as long as they got closer to _doing_ something and finally murdering the Mad Titan.

A while later, they were deciding on who would go on this new near-suicidal mission. Thor firmly insisted on his inclusion; the rest didn’t matter. Bruce then asked whether they had any ideas on disconnecting the Infinity Gems from Thanos' Gauntlet if their plan would fail, and sometime during the conversation, Valkyrie said,

“Wouldn't have worry about it if _some lackey_ had left the Tesseract to be destroyed on Asgard.”

“Do _not_ disrespect the memory of my brother!”

Thor hadn't noticed how he had stood from his seat, slamming his hand on the table in front of him. It felt as if a dam had been broken within him. Thor felt so much pain in that moment, or, rather, the crushing weight of loss, all-consuming and irreversible...

_I assure you, brother…_

The worried looks sobered him in due time, though. Thor closed his eyes and took a deep breath in the otherwise gravely silent room.

“I am sorry for my outburst,” Thor said quickly, a shadow of a half-smile appearing on his face, “I think it's time for a bit of rest.”

He was exhausted to the point where he fell asleep the minute he reached his bed. The nightmares came and yet Thor wouldn’t wake, stuck in a never-ending loop of witnessing the loss of everything—everyone—he cared for.

*

Only a couple of days were left before the start of their venture into the seams of space-time. Ready as ever, Thor was sitting on the Avengers Compound roof, close to the edge, looking at the first rays of sunrise flickering on the horizon.

It was, perhaps, a thousand years ago, when they were mere children, that Loki dragged Thor against their parents’ orders into the neighboring realm of Vanaheim to watch the dawn there. As Loki had promised, it was magnificent: they observed the binary star of a wholly unfamiliar world appear before them, drowning them both in its blinding light. Loki had made a vow then,

“I swear to you, brother, we shall forever fight side by side. No enemy will ever be able to beat us, and after every battle, you and I will face the dawn together.”

Thor had repeated the oath word for word and then tried to break the solemnity of the situation by hugging Loki, who had, in turn, slashed Thor lightly with a dagger for the attempt. They fought and laughed and ended up lying on the grass, overlooking the colorful sky, so sure of their glorious future.

 _Good times,_ Thor was thinking now, wiping away a stray tear from his eye. Back then, death was still a faraway, largely unfamiliar concept. As children, they couldn’t possibly understand its terrifying finality.

Someone appeared to his right, and Thor mentally prepared himself for yet another round of 'Cheer up, Thor' or 'Everything will be okay once we defeat Thanos.'

 _It won't,_ Thor would answer in his mind while putting on his best attempt at a smile. _It really won't._

Thor turned to meet a painfully familiar pair of blue-green eyes on a face marred with lines of worry. The figure stood above him, battered and covered in dust and dried blood, seeming so real Thor almost considered giving into temptation and reaching out to touch him. Instead, Thor chuckled.

“Must you haunt me before such an important task?”

“Must you always be so pessimistic?”

The figure of his brother stood unmoving, as if mocking Thor, challenging him, daring him to hope…

_Impossible._

Thor couldn't quite understand what was happening. Suddenly, there were warm, solid arms around Thor and a head placed gently on his shoulder, as well as the faint tickle of Loki's breathing against Thor's neck and it made him all the more worried for what remained of his sanity.

“I told you,” Loki said after a while, situating himself beside Thor near the edge of the roof, “ _undying_ fidelity. It's Thanos who should choose his words carefully, if you ask me.” A nervous chuckle. “No resurrections this time—the _gall_ of him,” Loki said with a mild huff, his arms shaky.

“I don't get it.” Thor shook his head, eyes wide and still disbelieving. He pulled back a bit to look at his brother, confused more than anything else. Were hallucinations ever _this real?_ “How—”

“Evidently, Mistress Death is generous when you offer her an intriguing deal,” Loki replied, ever enigmatic.

“That doesn't sound reassuring,” Thor spoke, hands running over Loki's armor, over the neck where unhealed bruises could still be seen, over Loki's face, same as ever, full of joy and life in the beautiful morning light.

“I…” Loki glanced away for a few moments, a deep frown marring his features. “This is it Thor. All or nothing. All the original Stones have to be destroyed so no one ever dares to—to steal so many souls from her again,” Loki said, shaking his head almost fondly. “If we don't succeed, if _I_ don't succeed… well.”

“Loki,” Thor said, his hands clingingon to Loki’s shoulder and forearm as if he were Thor's lifeline, “tell me _everything_.”

It turned out that for Loki, mere hours had passed since his attempt on Thanos' life, when in reality, Thor had been living without his brother for months. It also turned out that a knowing, needless attempt at suicide was a sure way into Hel, where the Mistress was inclined to roam around these days. Thor had suspected it, but couldn't help being surprised when he learned that Loki had acted on such a whim, fully prepared to die in the hope of finding a potential loophole. Thor was suddenly overrun with the desire to punch the recklessness out of his brother and told Loki as much; the latter grinned.

“You should trust my promises, Thor,” Loki said softly. “I told you the sun would shine on us again.” He looked towards the Earth's dawning star. “And here it is.”

“Don't leave me again, brother,” Thor said, desperation distorting his voice. “I beg of you.”

Loki stared at his brother for a long moment, expression unreadable, then embraced Thor once more.

“I—I promise. I won’t leave _,_ ” Loki uttered finally. Thor could swear he felt Loki rolling his eyes then as he continued, filling his voice with mock contempt, “ _Sentiment._ You really are the worst brother.”

Thor's heart skipped a beat.

“I have a great teacher in that department,” he said, tone unsteady.

“I hate you.”

“I've missed you, terribly, too.”

That made Loki quiet for a while, and although Thor craved to hear the sound of Loki's voice, his closeness was enough of a blessing for the time being.

“So, brother, why did you decide to forego the eyepatch?” Loki asked eventually, pulling away to look into Thor’s eyes. “I told you, it suited you. Gave you that roguish, pirate look,” Loki noted, eyes twinkling.

Thor couldn’t help laughing then, long and hard, as he punched Loki playfully and enjoyed the lightness of the moment while it lasted. For the first time in months, Thor felt happy, impossibly so, and more or less hopeful about the days to come.

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading and feel free to comment! :3 (constructive criticism always appreciated) 
> 
> Find me still yelling about Infinity War on Twitter [@LouiseOfAsgard](https://twitter.com/LouiseOfAsgard)


End file.
